“The intermediate stage between socialism and capitalism is alcoholism.”

Monday, August 15, 2005

A Blues Primer


1. Most Blues begin with: "Woke up this morning...."

2. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the Blues, unless you
stick something nasty in the next line like, "I got a good woman,
with the meanest face in town."

3. The Blues is simple. After you get the first line right, repeat

it. Then find something that rhymes... sort of: "Got a good woman
with the meanest face in town. Yes, I got a good woman with the
meanest face in town. Got teeth like Margaret Thatcher, and she
weigh 500 pound."

4. The Blues is not about choice. You stuck in a ditch, you stuck in
a ditch--ain't no way out.

5. Blues cars: Chevys, Fords, Cadillacs and broken-down trucks.
Blues don't travel in Volvos, BMWs, or Sport Utility Vehicles. Most
Blues transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Jet
aircraft and state-sponsored motor pools ain't even in the running.
Walkin' plays a major part in the blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to
die.

6. Teenagers can't sing the Blues. They ain't fixin' to die yet.
Adults sing the Blues. In Blues, "adulthood" means being old enough
to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.

7. Blues can take place in New York City but not in Hawaii or any
place in Canada. Hard times in Minneapolis or Seattle is probably
just clinical depression. Chicago, St. Louis, and Kansas City are
still the best places to have the Blues. You cannot have the blues
in any place that don't get rain.

8. A man with male pattern baldness ain't the blues. A woman with
male pattern baldness is. Breaking your leg 'cause you were skiing
is not the blues. Breaking your leg 'cause a alligator be chomping
on it is.

9. You can't have no Blues in a office or a shopping mall. The
lighting is wrong. Go outside to the parking lot or sit by the
dumpster.

10. Good places for the Blues:
a. highway
b. jailhouse
c. empty bed
d. bottom of a whiskey glass

Bad places for the Blues:
a. Nordstrom's
b. gallery openings
c. Ivy League institutions
d. golf courses

11. No one will believe it's the Blues if you wear a suit, 'less you
happen to be a old ethnic person, and you slept in it.

12. Do you have the right to sing the Blues?
Yes, if:

a. you older than dirt
b. you blind
c. you shot a man in Memphis
d. you can't be satisfied

No, if:
a. you have all your teeth
b. you were once blind but now can see
c. the man in Memphis lived
d. you have a 401K or trust fund

13. Blues is not a matter of color. It's a matter of bad luck.
Tiger Woods cannot sing the blues. Sonny Liston could. Ugly white
folks also got a leg up on the blues.

14. If you ask for water and your darlin' give you gasoline, it's the
Blues.
Other acceptable Blues beverages are:
a. cheap wine
b. whiskey or bourbon
c. muddy water
d. nasty black coffee

The following are NOT Blues beverages:
a. Perrier
b. Chardonnay
c. Snapple
d. Slim Fast

15. If death occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's a Blues
death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another Blues way
to die. So are the electric chair, substance abuse and dying lonely
on a broken-down cot. You can't have a Blues death if you die during
a tennis match or while getting liposuction.

16. Some Blues names for women:
a. Sadie
b. Big Mama
c. Bessie
d. Fat River Dumpling

17. Some Blues names for men:
a. Joe
b. Willie
c. Little Willie
d. Big Willie

18. Persons with names like Michelle, Amber, Jennifer, Debbie, and
Heather can't sing the Blues no matter how many men they shoot in
Memphis.

19. Make your own Blues name Starter Kit:
a. name of physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Lame, etc.)
b. first name (see above) plus name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, Kiwi, etc.)
c. last name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.) For
example: Blind Lime Jefferson, Jakeleg Lemon Johnson or Cripple Kiwi
Fillmore, etc. (Well, maybe not "Kiwi.")

1 Comments:

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10:17 PM

 

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